Martes, Agosto 23, 2011

Windshield WIpes

            I was the strongest, the tough guy - not afraid of morbid movies, of ghosts and poltergeists. I was once hailed the king of Cool City, with credos of a wicked chick boy, but then I was; now I am not. I may have become a better person in a way, but life seem to have extracted all the joy and traded it with some hideous dilemmas, that even in my dreams I could never ever seem to carry on. But then again, I did and still, I am. Surrounded with the support from people I love and care about, my confusion led to an atypical but nonetheless adventurous, adrenaline rushing day to day life. The moment I set my best foot out of the bewilderment, my life has never been the same, everything turned out to be obstacles here and there, a stress thrice a week, alcohol pouring out of disappointments, sleep deprivation not because of academic matters, failing grades, empty pockets, abusive arguments, tearful evenings, daydreams, haircuts, hair colors, shopping sprees, stress eating, lose weight, movie watching alone in the cinema, eating alone in a restaurant, new friends, new “friends,” self respect, narcissism, expectations, disappointments, heartaches, LOVE. Through all these, I was windshield wiped, now I windshield wipe.
            The gist of my life since March 12, 2010 – my first ever relationship was born, and it was homosexual. And not more than two weeks before the first anniversary, it died (March 02, 2011.) My world stopped turning, or I do not know, maybe it did turn fast enough I did not even notice what is with the world anymore. I have been out of myself for months, I have been bad, I have been at my worse, and seen the worst of both worlds. But I’m still here, and still I am.
            I have been constantly reminding myself, that whatever happens, this year not being my year justifies it-which is a very erroneous philosophy, but I still cling to it anyway. This year, my mom was diagnosed with some cancerous cells in her reproductive system, my parents separated; my grandparents already forgot who I am (just for not going home to La Union for three weeks straight), my first ever relationship ended, I got the lowest general weighted average in school ever, I got robbed and lost my new phone, I got shingles, got into a second relationship and broke it myself three days after (and now I’m regretting it because he was my best friend, now it has been a month since we last talked and on the 21st, we should have had our first month anniversary.). The past, sicknesses, solitude, and vulnerability are my justification for doing what I have done and been doing, which is wrong. I blame others more than myself which just shows that I have no more control of myself. This paper may seem to have a circular argument, and yes I also did notice that, but that may be a manifestation that I am trapped with these, lost still, and needs rescue. However, I always make myself believe that only I can help myself, only I can alleviate this dilemma I have come to encounter; only I can  conquer the fear.
            For almost 6 months now, some ups and mostly downs were my company, not to mention constant tearful nights of memorial operations, and early morning sicknesses that keeps reminding me of what my first love felt like, and how could that feeling never ever be mine again as it will never ever be the same no matter what. Conversely, the academic aspect of my life has never been this good and by good, I mean that I enjoy all of my courses, and in return, some of my courses enjoy me as well as I get high marks(I guess not here in EdCo, I sort of flunked the exam. Aside from considering how difficult it was, I was starting to get my shingles already that time, so… J) Going back to my story, I had this homosexual relationship with a UPian. It all started in Kom2 which we have to survive in pairs. I was the only one left with no pair, and he was late, so we ended up “together”. It was a great piece work to be with a person of the same sex in my room who is not even my friend in the first place. We saw each other in school, but we never personally met. Cutting to the chase, it was the first time, and yes, he fell in love with me and so did I eventually. It was a fairytale: from fancy dinner dates to saccharine breakfasts in bed; from beaches to city malls; from the most expensive gifts to the sweetest surprises most of my girlfriends can’t even have with their boyfriends. I was the happiest for a moment, and I treasured them all deep down my memory lane and very deep down the bottom of my heart.
            The sweetest part is that he introduced me to his parents and actually his whole family. I had video games with his brothers, been to the mall and had some coffee with his big sister and her boyfriend, been to the church on a Sunday with the whole family, in his dad’s car. His mom even ended up calling me “BE” and “LOVE” as this is the way her mom addresses his ate’s boyfriend and his kuya’s girlfriend. I was so flattered, and yes I still am as even now that we already broke up, his mom still call me that way (maybe because she does not know yet what is the score between me and her son, but either way, he is my family now no matter what). His mom sort of given me the responsibility to look after her son, which I was very delighted to do so, but not much until this fairytale ended as he broke up with me for some reason I will mention later on, for I am still sort of enjoying my reminiscing. Every monthly anniversary, I try my best to do something special, to surprise him in the best way I can. One month I would travel 9 hours from La Union to Antipolo just to surprise him and celebrate our monthly anniversary together. Another month I would set up a candle light dinner with a complete meal I cooked myself and just another month, I would pretend or set up a big fight and at the end of the day surprise him with a big hug and a bunch of flowers, balloons and his favorite foods from different restaurants. I can say and I am proud that I was at my best and sweetest. Though he was not that sweet with me, although he did not do me things like those that I did, just a smile in his face was more than enough. Not later, we even had stuffed toys named and call them our children. They were Kichan(the eldest), Peggy(only girl), Jeje(named after me. A cute necklace he gave to me) and Itchan(the youngest and the cutest as we as well pictured them in human form). Until now, even though we already broke up, we still have them. One is with him-the only girl Peggy; the three boys are with me. Whenever we fought, these four “children” always made us up. We would text each other “Peggy:Dadi, magbati na po kayo ni Dada ah. Namimiss ko na po kayo, hindi na po kayo nagpupunta dito sa bahay po. I Love You Dadi. Text po ng anak mo. Sorry na po sa lahat mahal. Bati na daw tayo oh… please?” and all sorts, so we always ended up holding hands, hugging each other, spooning at a cold night and waking up beside each others’ heart. Those lasted for months, not until one day we were on a small fight that brought him to decide that we have come to an end.
            At first I thought it was just one of those one and a half hour lasting break-ups where we would find ourselves crying and laughing at each others’ mistake at the same time, but then it was really different, it was serious, and it was final. What led him to that decision is something I did out of my filled bucket of disappointments, issues and the like. I flirted with another guy on chat one time, and I regretted it. My mistake, aside from not letting out my issues and discussing it with him, I coped with those burdens on my own and in the wrong way. Furthermore, I did not tell him immediately and let pass 3 months, and I actually did not tell him but he found out as he broke into yahoo account. We made up after 3 hours, but after a month, March 02, 2011, the end has finally came. It seemed that it was not a fairytale at all because last time I checked Cinderella, Snow White, Belle, and Ariel got married and all got their happy endings. Why was mine different, why did I not got married and lived happily ever after? Why did mine ended up weeks of self imprisonment in my dark room (as in no light at all) while drinking bottles of beer and some of my tears as well and sobbing over some guy who chose to live me alone than work things out as vowed? After the break up, the first two weeks have been spent over begging him to come back, but every attempt would leave me crying in session road, in SM and even in school. The worse part is that March is the month where we actually get our final requirements in school, our hellweeks, and if there is a place hotter than hell, harder than hell, that was the place where I was 6 months ago as I was bombarded with a lot of things to do. I felt like my broken heart was crushed over and over again and so I gave up and tried my very best to forget him and find ways to do that. I looked for a new love and I found a lot. The times when I was begging him to take me back; there was a moment where I actually called my mom to beg him to stay with me. I cried to my mom and dad telling them how I am in so much pain at that time. And for the record, that was the “confession” that I am gay and that the guy I used to take home to La Union is not really my best friend and soon to be thesis partner but my boyfriend, which for some reason, they already actually knew-mother instinct maybe. Instead of being mad with me, my father even actually said “tama pala yung sinasabi nila anak, na kapag ang bata dinamitan ng pambabae at minake-upan, paglaki eh magiging ganun din. (sabay tawa)” and some “umuwi ka na ah para kunin mga damit mo dito para di ka na maglaba diyan, marami blouse mama mo dito.” These actually made me laugh but gushy at the same time because I felt the need to hug them and all sorts. In a way, I felt happy because of the fact that my parents accepted me as I am, but at the same time, I got sad because the moment my parents already know that I am gay and that he was my boyfriend, he was already my ex-boyfriend. He actually came back, but I did not felt the love when I needed it, and when I was eventually immune, he started showing it and it was too late because I was already falling in love with my best friend-which I will be narrating later in this paper. Until now, this very first boyfriend is around telling me how stupid he was leaving me and he wants to make it up with me. But I am into too much pressure, stressors and dilemmas now that being in a commitment, and with him again cannot really be the strongest decision I should be making for now. First things first and that is to fix everything ruined that still can be fixed.
            On the side, time passed and lovers passed too. I think I got into three quasi-relationships during my mourning period and that was 6 months until now. Rebounds as I or we(?) call them is the worse type of relationship I have been into, not because it was in any way the other side is bad with me but the other way around: I was bad with them, I was unfair, I was crushing them down into pieces, I get my revenge with them but not until I got into my second real relationship or my fifth relationship counting the three quasi-relationships. This recent relationship was as said, my best friend, the one who mend my broken heart from my first boyfriend. My best friend was there since day 1, and at that time, he was not really aware that I am gay or even the relationship where I got my heart broken was actually homosexual, or maybe he knows, I just do not know that he does actually. So I was saying, I was actually the one to break his straight paradigm. He was too sweet to take care of me even when I’m sound asleep because he was too afraid I am going to kill myself and all sorts. He was afraid I am going to get myself drunk again until I run out breath. And so I fell, and we ended up together after long struggles. We had fights before we finally got together, and I was not happy with them in a way. I actually broke up with him because I felt like I was too vulnerable to handle commitment and take the risk of being left again, of being hurt again by the person that I love the most. I was too afraid to give it my all again not because I felt that it will not be reciprocated but I felt like it will make no sense at all to invest emotional bags to anyone when I am so defenseless, when I am so weak, when I still have not move on from my first ever relationship. And so now I am encapsulated with the guilt I have made myself by hurting my best friend. I constantly hear from others that he’s out again gulping some beer a night before one of his exams, a night before his thesis requisite is due or some papers on his major subjects. I know breaking up with someone who really loves you and you really love too, three days after being together is the worst and the hardest, but two weeks ago, I did think though that I did the right thing which now I think is the worse decision I have ever made: both falling in love with him, and breaking his heart, because I did not only lose a lover but also the best-est friend I had my whole life. Just tonight (August 23, 2011) he texted me after I said that I am really sorry and everything: (this was actually his last message after our long conversation with him voicing out his pains and with me taking it all in and saying my apologies and how I did really love him and how I have been loving him since at the same time.) “If only I could turn back time, I should have not been friends with you. Prevention is better than cure, dude. Sana hindi ka na lang nandamay diyan sa break up mo with <ex-boyfriend>. If not, sana matuto ka lang manindigan sa mga desisyon at goal mo sa buhay.” While making this paper, I am actually crying all my heart out while again in justification mode: I deserve this and still its 2011 and it is not really my year. Now I am thinking that I should’ve just finished my paper when I started it last August 19, in that way, I would have not ended this with a mellow dramatic ending. But I will try hard not to end this paper in a heartbreaking way, besides I had my first and succeeding intimate relationship not ending happily ever after, I would like at least that this paper will follow the schematics of a fairytale.
            I am now at the point of my life where I am realizing that the graduation is not much of a victorious gourmet of life and is actually the start of a hotter hell. The friends that I treasured for four years at most, the lifestyle that schooling made me inhabited into, the privilege of having my own time are all going to vanish in just one ceremony. I just hope that my friends are still around until I die, because now I am as well fearful of the fact that I have no more time to make it up with them the moment they get mad at me for hurting my best friend who is also their very close friend. After his last message, thoughts like isolating myself from all my friends and just make new set of friends came in to me. Before, I even considered dating a girl, and now that thought is coming back once more (but no, first things first.). But I will not get my irrationalities get into me yet again; I have to sleep over these thoughts, these events, the reasons and the consequences that my acts should be considering before anything else. I have been through a lot this year, and though not all these are due to my own doings, I will not be letting one chance to be totally happy without anyone in jeopardy slip away.
            For my experiences this year, the people I love, the people I care so much about showed me the hazards of reality and fantasy while either moping or putting tears in my eyes and painting or rubbing out a smile on my face. In the same way, the people I love and the people I care so much about see me as a “doctor of love” as magical as it is, I make my couple friends amend when they have fights, I make my parents mend each others’ broken hearts, I make my friends the happiest by cracking some jokes or patting their backs when they are not in the mood to be in high spirits. And so my mom got out of her sickness, my mom and dad made up, my grandma recognizes me again for some reasons though my grandfather still cannot, my first boyfriend is there outside my house (exaggeration) courting me, I’m having the time of my life in my academics, I got a new and better phone given by my parents for performing well in school and gained 3 kilos after getting shingles. Though the last problem is still here, I am trying my best to fix it. And if I will not be able to fix it before we graduate, I will just think that maybe that is what the universe want my world to be. But if there is a way, anyway that would fix me and my best friend, no matter how hard that way is, I will run it down.
            I have been the windshield wipee as well as the windshield wiper. I have wiped out pains as well as happiness from the people I love. I have given them enough reasons to live as well as to die. I have provided them a sense of clarity as well as a blockade from reality. On the other hand, they too had done the same with me. We call it revenge at times, but I guess we need balance and that is by making things even. This paper does not encourage revenge in any way, but this paper tries to make sense of my experiences, and that sense I come to realize is that life is not all about making it through unwounded, making it through with just all smiles, making it through without even a rain in the skin. It is not like I needed to be in pain to be happy, but to know the taste of sweet, we must know how bitter tastes. Cliché-ish but then it is still true. Life is like a car’s windshield wiper, it provides a sense of lucidity, but what we do not usually notice, it sometimes give us a taste of fantasy or worse blocks us from experiencing reality (a cat might pass your way and run it through just because the wiper is too big and blocked your sight for a second). But no matter what the windshield wipe is for, making sense of it is the thing that should matter. Life is not “nothing but a” but, life is.      
            I still am the strongest, the toughest guy - not afraid of morbid movies, of ghosts and poltergeists. I am hailed the king of Cool City, with credos of now a good boy, just then I was; but now I am again and I am not afraid of any windshield wipes that may come my way, because I am from my experiences a better man though gay.